It's not just you… we all have our moments

It's not just you… we all have our moments

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

My 1st Gyno Visit

Speculum
I was seventeen and a late bloomer.  That is to say, I was still a virgin.  So, by today's standards, a "late bloomer."  There was really no need to visit a lady doctor up until I decided to go on a hunger strike in protest of post-pubescent weight gain and ended up with amenorrhea.  If there's anything I'm really good at, it's overshooting the mark.  So, off to the doc I went.

My first mistake was taking the advice of my mother and going to her doctor: a MAN.  Not that I have anything against male lady-doctors… I see one now.  I mean, what straight, hot-blooded American boy wouldn't wanna grow up to be elbow deep in clam juice all day long, and get paid for it!?  I get it.  But I had never been with a man before.  I had barely even kissed a guy.  Now I was on my way to have one open me up so he could stab me with his instruments… medically speaking.

My second mistake was staying for my appointment after walking into the waiting room.  It seemed this "doctor" had a thing for "themes."  Maybe he was from New Orleans or something?  I hear they like a good theme party.  I have a friend from there and she's a regular Martha Stewart when it comes to that sort of event.  But I digress.  Dr. Feelgood went in a different direction, dedicating each examining room to a male celebrity heartthrob (and a questionably straight one at that,) i.e. Tom Cruise, Richard Gere, etc.  I guess he thought that's the sort of thing that would put a woman at ease as she experienced the cold metal of a speculum.

Dead.  Sexy.

I was set up in the Patrick Swayze room.  Or maybe it was the Mel Gibson room… it's difficult to remember from the blackout I slipped into.  (The body has a miraculous way of protecting itself.)  Either way, the only Braveheart in the room that afternoon was me, as I vaguely recall laying there, looking up at a bouquet of beefcake pics that had been crudely cut from People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive of 1985.

People Magazine
People Magazine

To add insult to injury - if that were even possible at this point - because I was still a delicate flower and my lady parts were all in-tact, the doc had a difficult time performing a standard exam, so he had to do it anally.  Hand to God, I can't make this shit up.  I think a little part of me died that day, and the seed of my affinity for butt sex was planted.  (Not really, but I sure did like to talk about butt sex years later when I was drunk at parties with my parents).

In hindsight, I don't see how any of this could have been legal, but I swear, it's all true.