Friday, October 31, 2014
If there was ever a game designed to let the skeletons out of your closet, it's Game Of Things. Or maybe that's just been my experience playing it, because the company I keep are a group of twisted and depraved sadists that jump at the opportunity to throw their loved ones (me) under a bus in front of new players (my boyfriend).
And, yes, all you wanton, unchaste twenty year-olds, I am the dork who is talking about board games. This is what my "wild nights" have been reduced to.
For those of you unfamiliar with Game Of Things, it's like Cards Against Humanity meets Balderdash - the Reader chooses a card, players supply a response, and the group tries to choose who's answer belongs to who. As with Balderdash, in Game Of Things players are given the opportunity to write their own answer to the question card.
CARD: Things that would probably keep you out of heaven:
ANSWER: "Taking Helen Keller skydiving."
CARD: Things that don't exist but you wish they did:
ANSWER: "Female orgasms from intercourse."
ANSWER: "Heterosexual Catholic priests."
ANSWER: "Condoms in Tijuana."
CARD: Things you shouldn't tie to the roof of your car:
ANSWER: "Dead hookers."
ANSWER: "Garbage bags filled with aborted fetuses."
ANSWER: "Your mother-in-law."
You get the idea.
But when you're playing with a group of assholes and it's your turn to read the card, you might find yourself reading a bunch of answers written in the first person to make it look like you're talking about yourself - as commonly (always) happens to me.
CARD: Things you never remember:
ANSWER: "All the guys I blew when I was in a blackout."
ANSWER: "The child locked up in my basement."
ANSWER: "Which guy I pooped on during sex."
Most of these answers are tongue-in-cheek. When I play, it's usually with a particular friend - we'll call her Satan - who knows me very, very well. In other words, Satan's got the dirt on me. And that dirt is sooooooooo fun to mold an answer from, especially if the other players don't know if it's really true or not. (Go ahead. Guess which answer above is true about me.)
In the spirit of insulting your friends for the sake of competition, I've been able to sling a few back her way. For instance, a group of us consisting of Satan, my brother, Satan's BF and my BF (who has fortunately read my posts and still loves me), were playing not too long ago, and I ever so casually referenced a particular dalliance of her dude's from his past…
SATAN'S CARD: Things that warrant an apology:
MY ANSWER: "The hickey that Tijuana stripper gave your boyfriend before he fucked her on his bachelor party weekend."
Naturally we all had a good laugh. If that marriage didn't end in flames, he never would have met my friend. See? Everyone wins.
Then there are instances where Satan will flat out attack flaws of mine - like my inability to cultivate and nurture an interpersonal relationship in the advent of technology…
CARD: Things you would wish for if you found a genie in a bottle:
SATAN'S ANSWER: "Kristin puts down her phone."
And that's all fine and good. Because when a card like this shows up…
CARD: Things you can't believe that someone actually did...
Watch out! Cuz I'm coming back with this…
ANSWER: "Fucked a family."
Because that's what Satan did, she fucked a family. (Really, would you have expected anything less from Satan?)
Back when Satan was practicing better living through chemistry, vanilla sex turned into a threesome, which turned into group sex, which turned into the kind of hangover you can only nurse your way through from atop a barstool. Now imagine the hot twenty-one year old son of the couple you ran through the night before shows up, with eyes like Paul Newman and swagger like George Clooney, and he takes the seat next to you. And, Holy Shit!, what a sense of humor on this kid - the ultimate panty dropper, am I right, ladies?
Before you know it, Satan's heading home with jailbait. And because we were roommates at the time and the walls are thin, I could hear the rest. Also, he snuck out at 4am wearing nothing but the cat blanket and a pair of my flip-flops he found by the front door.
And that's the real beauty of Game Of Things: it's a fast way to get to know people, and an even better way to end friendships. Or at least weed out the sensitive squares who can't take a joke, or a little razzing.