My Hawaiian Rapist

Have you ever had to pick the cop who raped you out of a line-up? Me neither, but I totally almost had to.

Allow me to digress: the year was 2003. I had recently familiarized myself with cops as I was fresh off my first (and only) DUI the previous week. A little R and R and a dozen Mai Tai's seemed just what the doctor (definitely not the judge) ordered. So, accompanied by my BFF, off to Hawaii I went.

*Side Note: If you're looking for a partner in crime, don't bring the chick with a boyfriend on vacation. Not only are they a real wet blanket, they leave you unsupervised to gyrate some unholy dance moves while they're glued to a phone talking to their life-ruiner.

Meanwhile I'm out to dry, thinking I'm the hottest seductress that Moose McGillycuddy's had ever seen. I may as well have had bullseyes for nipples and a big flashing arrow pointed at my cucaracha cuz Officer Roofie was all about it.

So it comes as no surprise (in hindsight) that the Roofinator just happened to be available to give me a lift home at the end of the night. At first he insisted his buddy take my friend so he could have me all to himself (listen, I'm like Gumby when I drink. In other words, I'm pliable. I'm not exactly putting up a fight), but I was able to slur my resistance.

Off we sped, seated three deep in the front of his patrol car. The road to Kaanapali from Lahaina is long and dark, and I was getting thirsty. Fortunately, my hospitable driver offered me a sip from his Starbucks cup - which was filled with beer, the sweet nectar of the night. It was just the drop I needed to push me over the line from, "I can stand" to "sohaeneone ahold awa mya haaiwr…"

I was pushing buttons, playing with his siren, laughing, throwing my head back, giving him my sexy eyes. In his professional opinion, he decided what we needed was more alcohol (so I would lose my shirt and my friend would lose the stick up her ass.) He stopped at a liquor store and we grabbed a twelver.

He seemed genuinely surprised when we parted ways. (I am genuinely surprised we ever reached our destination.) My friend grabbed the beer as he coaxed me to "take a drive" with him, and when it occurred to her I was actually contemplating taking him up on his offer, she grabbed me, too. For all I know, the guy was proud of his Island and just wanted to share it's majesty with me… at 3 AM.

The moral of the story is: On second thought, bring the chick with the boyfriend on vacation. Odds are she'll probably end up saving your life, or at the very least, your vagina.

Reuters