Boozy Floozy

Since retiring my drinking arm and surrounding myself with like-minded individuals, I've heard a lot of war stories.  I can particularly relate to tales of lasciviousness told by 'ol battle axes who used to call themselves "cougars" - women whose prayers now sound something like this:

Dear God,

I know I'm only supposed to pray for things I need, and not just things I want…

But I really need a husband, so that I leave everyone else's alone.

Amen

This type of behavior is not exclusive to me.  There's like, a club of women who possess this same character defect, and those women are called prostitutes.  (The others are called alcoholics).

I guess, looking back, there were signs…

Dad didn't make it to a lot of recitals...

So I guess I'm not really surprised that turned into this:

I think the obvious thing here is that I was just an innocent girl, looking for some good old-fashioned fun, and 90% of the time, that fun ended up looking like:

Which, in turn, left me feeling a lot like this the next morning:

There's really no discernible moral of the story, however I would like to offer my deepest condolences to the following individuals:

• My parents - God knows you tried your best.
• My brother - many of your friends were inconsequential casualties of my beastliness.  
• My current boyfriend - there's no reason you should know any of this.
• girlfriends… just in general (for the record, I NEVER hooked up with anyone's husband).  
• Anyone who stepped in the way of me and my dance with the Devil.
• My friends - for standing by my side through all my inappropriate behavior.