Kids: The Ultimate Cock Block

This appeared in my Facebook inbox.  My comments are in (italics.)

• Conversation started Thursday
• 1/9, 2:53pm
  

  "Mr. X" 
  

  
  

  I have advice (amazed I continued reading after such strong language) and a new story for you. One day you or your partner may have kids. (Gonna go with partner. Planned Parenthood has seen fit I remain childless.) This brings up two problems: (Only two?)

  
  

  (1) 6 year-olds like to look in things, (not something I'll have to worry about after I ship the kids off to boarding school) and 

  
  

  (2) one day you will have a teenage babysitter over so you can enjoy a night out for 3-4 hours. (Please note: 30 or so minutes of bliss has yielded a max playtime of 3-4 hours, tops. Enjoy that.)

  
  

  When you realize both of these are going to happen, you will need to take the day off of work - the entire day - to go through every nook and cranny of the house where you've hidden the dildos, vibrators, plugs, ropes, leather cuffs, ball gags, and lube. (Kill yourself. But sounds like you used to have a pretty fun life.) Yes, lube. For each hiding spot you have you will find lube. So far we have found 8 bottles in 8 different locations today. (The lube informs a few things, mainly that the person you're fucking is obviously NOT a teenage babysitter.)
• 1/9, 2:55pm
  

  "Mr. X" (cont.)
  

  
  

  Moral of the story, to take 3 hours off, it will cost you:

  -$30.00 for sitter (for a cheap ass sitter)

  -$100.00 for dinner (and a cheap ass dinner)

  -$300 (varies) for having to take the day off so your child doesn't accidentally catch you "dildo-handed," (They're gonna have to learn about the birds and the bees sooner or later,) or run the risk of your sitter freaking out when she discovers some butt-plugs hidden between the couch cushions. (Ass on the couch, beads in the ass… Totally makes sense why that would be a hiding spot.)
  
  
  MY TAKEAWAY: While I appreciate the "advice," Mr. X, the only thing I think I've learned here is don't have kids. Problem solved.

SUBMISSION: The Family Vibrator

From England via: Florida, Dave shares:

I've been pretty fortunate when it comes to embarrassing moments with my parents, mostly because when I left home for university I quickly realized that some things (i.e. them) are much better in small doses. Certainly no alcohol fuelled tales of shame and woe here. However, this stands out as a somewhat uncomfortable situation:

At some point during my childhood, my mother had purchased a delightful electronic device to help with the aching muscles in her shoulders, neck, and back - one from which the entire family could benefit. I present the electric vibratory massager, "for fast soothing relief."

Not the exact model, but you get the idea. It came with a variety of exotic attachments, including one with knobbly bits, designed to penetrate hair... This was the 80s, people had more hair back then. On their heads, too.

Now, I'm sure it’s purchase was innocent enough, or it would have been hidden away faster than the small bottle of aphrodisiac I accidentally discovered in my dad's sock draw that one time. Awkward.

Anyway, when I was about ten I regularly went to a swimming club on Tuesday nights. There was always a crowd of people afterwards - parents picking up their kids, people who worked at the pool – you get the idea. Well, one evening I'd managed to pull a muscle in my shoulder, so when my mother arrived to pick me up, I (very loudly) declared I needed her to rub me with her vibrator when we got home.

That was the end of any sort of family gifts that vibrate.