Wet T-Shirt Contest

Agh, the wet t-shirt contest - an American tradition since the inception of Spring Break, maybe even stemming as far back as the first car wash - but, none-the-less, one that has practically become a right of passage for blossoming slooters nationwide since Joe Francis' Girls Gone Wild took the country by storm in 1997.  Coincidentally, also the year I graduated from High School.

As a traditionalist, who am I to forgo my induction into this pop culture Hall of Shame?  So when presented with the opportunity to participate in my first wet t-shirt contest, I was just drunk enough and young enough not to turn it down.  Never mind it was the opposite of springtime, and I was in some Star Wars bar in the Bay Area filled with action figures, instead of a beach polluted with half-naked, tan dudes.  Fuck it, nothing a few more shots couldn't take care of.

My wet t-shirt contest looked eerily similar to this, but this pic is courtesy of tourwa.com.au 

*Side note: nothing a few more shots can't take care of was my best thinking, like, always.  Boring party? Nothing a few more shots can't take care of!  Fight with the boyfriend?  Nothing a few more shots can't take care of!  Unplanned pregnancy?  Nothing a few more shots can't take care of!

So there I was, onstage in front of a crowd of men that left a lot to be desired and a handful of my brother's friends (the ones who stayed behind after my brother left in disgust when I took the stage), sizing up my competition and feeling pretty good about myself, until I noticed… HER.  The fucking bar had brought in a goddamn ringer - some pro (probably off Broadway in SF) - complete with her own bodyguard (pimp).  I mean… C'MON!  She had fuck-me-pumps that could spear olives and I had on Converse.  Who wears heels like that out on a Wednesday?  So, that dumb bitch won.

Fun Fact: like most contests of this nature, the show was video-taped - recorded for posterity - so that in the event I ever become famous or have children, it will be exhumed from the depths of God-knows-where for all to see.  Something to look forward to.