Boozy Floozy

Since retiring my drinking arm and surrounding myself with like-minded individuals, I've heard a lot of war stories.  I can particularly relate to tales of lasciviousness told by 'ol battle axes who used to call themselves "cougars" - women whose prayers now sound something like this:

Dear God,

I know I'm only supposed to pray for things I need, and not just things I want…

But I really need a husband, so that I leave everyone else's alone.

Amen

This type of behavior is not exclusive to me.  There's like, a club of women who possess this same character defect, and those women are called prostitutes.  (The others are called alcoholics).

I guess, looking back, there were signs…

Dad didn't make it to a lot of recitals...

So I guess I'm not really surprised that turned into this:

I think the obvious thing here is that I was just an innocent girl, looking for some good old-fashioned fun, and 90% of the time, that fun ended up looking like:

Which, in turn, left me feeling a lot like this the next morning:

There's really no discernible moral of the story, however I would like to offer my deepest condolences to the following individuals:

• My parents - God knows you tried your best.
• My brother - many of your friends were inconsequential casualties of my beastliness.  
• My current boyfriend - there's no reason you should know any of this.
• girlfriends… just in general (for the record, I NEVER hooked up with anyone's husband).  
• Anyone who stepped in the way of me and my dance with the Devil.
• My friends - for standing by my side through all my inappropriate behavior.

Water Seeks Its Own Level

Allow me to preface this by saying you're judged by the company you keep, at least that's what I've always been told. Growing up, my father tried (God knows how hard he tried) to instill in me the idea that when you do worthwhile things, you meet worthwhile people.

I spent my 20's in dive bars. These are my friends, my "kind of people":

HIS

HERS

They're twisted and inappropriate. They're the life of the party. They're dark and irreverent, and some of them are brilliant. They're harmless. They make me laugh, cuz God knows if I weren't laughing, I'd be crying.

I thought things would change after I quit drinking. I guess you can take the booze out of the girl, but depravity seems inherent. I still gravitate towards people with my same sick sense of humor, my "tribesmen," as I like to call them. Guess I'm a Gary Larson's Far Side kinda gal for life.

I'm a firm believer that every relationship you have with another individual reflects the relationship you have with yourself. Well, I like my friends, goddammit. They're good eggs.

So, as Stuart Smalley would say, seems like, "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And, doggone it, people like me." And if they don't, fuck 'em. I like myself.